In AP Language and Composition we have been charged with the task of writing a Satire of a political or social issue. I did mine on how we fight over religion all the fucking time and how ridiculous it is. This is what I came up with.
To put an end to religious persecution, wars, prejudice, and all around displeasure, we need to pick one religion and kill off or convert the rest of the country so that we can put end to all the problems and get it over with. Since a good forty-something percent of our country is made up of Catholics and Protestants, we should just merge the two to create one Basic Christian religion. If any of them have any issues with the idea, they can be inducted into our Faith-For-All program; the effective way to convert the entire country to Basic Christianity.
Now, many will not see the point to this at first. Some have claimed that if we could all just work harder at being good human beings and keeping out opinions to ourselves, it would be much easier. My Faith-For-All program was in fact a response to this, showing that it makes life easier for those of us who are already perfect. Others may try to point out that Hitler already tried to do the same thing. However, they would be wrong of course, since this is an entirely different idea. Hitler got emotionally caught up in his work and believed in everything he said. This not only turned him into a deranged lunatic, but took away all his credibility. I, on the other hand, just want to see the end of religious persecution and prejudice all together. After all, isn’t it our duty as God’s children to help save our brothers and sisters from spending an eternity in Hell?
Also, Hitler was cruel because he was centered on efficiency of killing but insufficient in the art of conversion, not even offering the Jews a chance at redemption. He was also sloppy with his methods of extermination. We will be thorough and forgiving, giving each Heretic the opportunity to repent three times before killing them. By employing the slogan of ‘optimal pain for optimal gain,’ we will encourage our persuaders to be thorough, and provide enough pain to symbolizes Hell and give the Heretics a good example for future reference. This way we will be giving them the option to accept God and repent their negligence.
This entire Faith-For-All program will boost many things including lowering our unemployment rate to 0% and getting us out of our nation debt and giving us plenty of money to fund our Faith-For-All program. ‘How is this possible?’ you may be asking yourself. Quite simply! Those who have been convicted of Faith-Crime will be inducted into and sent of to our Faith-For-All program leaving plenty of jobs open. Also, those who are looking for a more stable job can easily find one in one of our many Faith Camps (located in Arizona due to climate stability and open stretches of land) as persuaders or review councilors. As for the cash problem, now that we are all one religion, every school can be a Christian private school that requires parents to pay for their child to attend. These schools will teach religion as a main course as to prevent the need for us to enlist our children in the Faith-For-All program in the future. Also, pricy lawsuits over what is taught in schools will no longer be an issue. Now, for our main source of revenue, would be property seizure of those convicted of Faith-Crime. The money we earn from selling off their belongings will pay for our national debt in a heartbeat. Also, our debt will cease to increase due to the fact that we are now all Christians who despise those who believe in another faith, so why would we interfere with the well being of their country? Nope, they can kill each other off and then burn in Hell for all we care.
Now to address the issue of seeking out these Heretics. In this day and age, things will be easily managed. Police officers will all have their own digital tablets (such as an iPad) that are hooked up to a mainframe in which they can access every citizens Church File. The Church File will be updated every time the Christian walks into church on Sunday signs in. Attendance will be taken at the beginning of mass by the clergymen in charge. This technique has been proven extremely effective in high schools for years, and takes only a few moments, preventing it from being a distraction. This file also has records of how often they contribute to their church by volunteering at philanthropic events. When someone has not been attending Church for more than three weeks straight, they will be hunted down and enrolled into our Faith-For-All program. Transportation to Arizona consists of being forcibly locked inside a coffin (with ventilation holes of course, otherwise they would die unsaved and we’d have blood on our hands) and put on a semi-truck full of other Heretics just like them. This way, they get more of an idea what it will be like to be dead and alone without accepting the Lord.
Upon arrival their Faith-Camp, each non-Christian will be unloaded and have a Heretic’s Fork strapped on (a device resembling a double ended fork that is tightly set with one end in the fleshy underside of the jaw and the other resting on their chest, held in place by a metal collar, forcing the wearer to hold their head straight and keep their mouth shut) as to discourage talk amongst each other and encourage them to rethink their previous qualms with God.
The First step of the program is a month of solitary confinement begins the program, in which each sinner is locked into a vault that is too short them to stand up in and just not wide enough for them to comfortably lay down in. There will be no light allowed in, and aside from a toilet and a small food conveyer similar to a cat-door, there will be nothing else in the room for them to occupy themselves with. Just them and God.
Now, a month is a lot of thinking time in which the Heretic has no doubt put a lot of thought into their religious views. They are quickly let out of their vault and taken into a room to speak with a clergymen for a good half an hour long review session. We will give them this extensive amount of time out of pity that they have been alone for so long, and in hopes that productive conversion is done in this timeframe. If they have used their month to productively become reacquainted with God, they will be sent off to Religious Rehab without further intervention. However if they need some more persuasion, they will be conveyed along to the next step of the Faith-For-All program.
In step two, each Heretic will be introduced to what I like to call, the Grid of Guilt. Each individual will be placed into a grid like field in which each section will be one square-foot in which the Heretic will be placed feet first, buried up to their neck, and then have the foot high divider between him/herself and the next person. This prevents eye contact or other interactions with each other to discourage them associating themselves as one of the group. This way they are individuals facing their own crimes against the almighty. However they still have the ability to hear each other, so if Johnny starts humming ‘It’s A Small World After All,’ the rest of these sinners shall be forced to hear it. Also, this way if it God chooses to make it rain, he may drown those he considers unworthy and prevent them from having a chance to continue with our program. This step of the program lasts for an exact three days, but to discourage counting to 259,200 to pass the time. This is not only a well working form of exposure persuasion, but a rather organized and efficient system. Each day ten rows of sixty can be added to one end, while another ten row of sixty can be dug up at the other end. This gives us four sections total; two that are to be left alone that day, one being put in, and one being dug up.
After Heretics have been dug up, they are sent into a second review session. Here, experienced Christian private school teachers (that have been approved by a man of the church) will have a two minute meeting with each sinner (each hooked up to a lie detector) and ask if they have seen the light yet. Those who do will be sent off on a bus to Religious Rehab. If they lie or are still adamant about their previous beliefs or disbeliefs, they will be subjected to the next step in the Faith-For-All program.
The third step is The Picquet. A technique used in the military as a form of punishment during the middle-ages that was proved extremely effective. A Heretic will have his/her thumb tied to a beam so that he is held a good two feet above the ground, with his other hand secured to their let ankle. Below him, there is a pointed stake that is perfectly level so that his foot may touch it. The idea is that when the Heretic feels that his thumb is about to break or be dislocated, his/her instinct for self preservation will force them to painfully put their right bare foot on the stake to take his weight off his thumb. This tactic leaves the Heretic with no permanent damage, just a broken thumb. Fatalities are usually few and far between, leaving the sinner with a chance to repent yet again.
It is in this third review session that the Heretic gets their last chance to repent for their sins and enroll in religious rehab. If they do not truly repent, they are clearly a lost cause and we should waste no more resources trying to save their mortal selves. This leaves us with the only option which is to send them off to the fourth and final step in the program.
The fourth part of the program is more lenient than the first three. In this final step victims will be placed in their own shallow version of a well, in which they are lowered down into the water in a small place and it is impossible for them to climb out. If they are still alive after a period of twenty-four hours, they are hauled out, and dried off. This may sound like a relief for the Heretic, but having been submerged for twenty-four hours has loosened their skin enough to slide off like a glove. So when I say vigorously dried off, I mean the water is toweled off in such a manner that their top layer of skin comes sliding right off as well. I assure you this is unpleasant terribly unpleasant. However, we are merciful here at camp Faith-For-All, and inclined morally to show some compassion. So the skinless little husks of sinners are immediately rushed off to a stake where they are tied up and warmed by hot licks of flame until they die.
It is my pleasure to inform you that throughout the program, our number of sinners is lowered drastically. It is estimated that when carried out in groups of six hundred, only two percent will make it to the fourth step. This insures us that we are by far saving millions of souls in this effective form of conversion. All who do not make it to step four are as I said previously, inducted into religious rehab, which is similar to a current Catholic boarding school. The newly converted Christians are educated in every aspect of the religion, and attend before and after school charity programs in which they help out as kitchen aids, janitors, and tutors for the less-blessed of faith. After three years they are free to leave Religious Rehab and are given two thousand dollars as a parting gift to find an apartment and feed themselves until they can find a job.
This Faith-For-All program has been my modest proposal to the solve the issues of religious persecution in our country. It’s side effects include getting ourselves out of our national debt, preventing further debt, and providing jobs for every American Citizen. This is this most effective way to solve all of these problems without displeasing everyone in our country. Since most people are incapable of tolerating other religious beliefs it will be best just to have one religion and end all of these petty arguments. We perfect Christians will not be disrupted at all and will actually see an improvement in society and the entire program will not take too long to carry out. After a few years, perhaps a single presidential term, most of the Heretics will be rounded up and exterminated leaving us with only need of one Faith-Camp for the few future stragglers. It’s foolproof.